


nothing stays buried

by TolkienGirl



Series: Vintage Winchesters: Season 1 Tags [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, Dean Winchester Has Self-Esteem Issues, Episode Tag, Episode: s01e03 Dead in the Water, Gen, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:06:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24592756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TolkienGirl/pseuds/TolkienGirl
Summary: You can’t have it both ways, after all. Can’t count the bodies like dominoes tipped over, then pretend you care about the people you save. Finding the words, even kind ones—well, that’s just part of the job.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Mary Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Series: Vintage Winchesters: Season 1 Tags [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1777720
Comments: 2
Kudos: 37





	nothing stays buried

Occasionally, in his research, he’ll come across some psychologist angle. _How to introduce your children to death. How to talk to your children about trauma_. Then he rolls his eyes, and keeps going.

Sam’s the one who likes to read for the joy of hating things.

Dean doesn’t even like to read.

Of course, if he’s ever trapped in a salt circle with a soft-brained quack, and all they can do is talk about meaningless shit, maybe Dean will say,

_You can’t. You can’t do anything for them. It just happens._

Meaningless words, for meaningless ideas. See? This is why he keeps his mouth shut.

Andrea’s big eyes say a hell of a lot more than _thank you_. Wisconsin’s dense with woodland, leavened by humble mountains. It’s as good a place as any to live long, die young, lock out your fears.

She says she isn’t staying there long. Nothing to stay _for_. Lucas needs a change. But Dean still—

Yeah, alright? For about fifteen seconds, he’s picturing other lives.

He stopped talking. Wouldn’t say much more than yes and no. He read that in Dad’s journal. Was pricked with shame over it at eleven, fourteen. Forgot it later, until Sam left for Stanford and Dad’s eyes were just two holes burning through.

What was Dean supposed to say then?

It’s something physical, no matter what the quacks think. His throat just seizes up. He doesn’t black out, so he must be breathing.

_See, when I was your age, I saw something real bad happen to my mom, and I was scared, too. I didn't feel like talking, just like you. But see, my mom—I know she wanted me to be brave. I think about that every day. And I do my best to be brave._

It’s half a lie. He thinks of her every day, yeah, but he’s no hand at bravery. That’s all Sam. Sam’s guided by principle. Scared of the things he can’t dominate. Scared of a world he can’t change.

Dean is scared of pretty much everything.

Lucky, then, that he keeps his mouth shut about the important shit. He’d look like a fool to admit it. Probably looked like a fool to Lucas, but the kid was really something, trying to claw his way back from something, and he understood.

Three days out from Lake Manitoc, Sam finally stops looking over at him with furtive doe-eyes. All _I know you’re in there, the real Dean_ , that kind of thing.

Dean’s grateful. You can’t have it both ways, after all. Can’t count the bodies like dominoes tipped over, then pretend you care about the people you save. Finding the words, even kind ones—well, that’s just part of the job.

He can wish Andrea and her asking heart the best. Hell, he can remember how it felt to have Lucas holding onto him for dear life, how it felt when the kid took his first breath out of water.

Doesn’t have to mean a thing.


End file.
